Menstrual Cups: The Real Instructions for Use

Let’s talk menstrual cups. Ladies, there is nothing worse than going to the store and purchasing tampons along with your ice cream and chocolate bars. The look from the cashier is always priceless. You give them the knowing smile like you were just caught bleeding all over the conveyor belt. Yes, it feels like that to me. And spending my hard earned money on something that I literally toss down the toilet just doesn’t make sense to me.

Then I discovered menstrual cups. I ordered a few different kinds off Amazon and found the one that works for me. I use the word “work” lightly. I mean, it does it’s job, and I forget I’m even on my period when I’m using it... Until I have to dump it out at the 12 hour mark. Holy shit I have never been so mortified in my life. The instructions that come with the cup do not prepare you for the murderous scene that takes place during the changing of the cup. “Simply remove the cup and dump the contents into the toilet” it says. “Rinse and reinsert the cup and go!” it says. Sounds simple enough! However, I would like to break down the reality of cup use for you. Here is my revised instruction manual for removing/reinserting a menstrual cup:

Reach up your vag and try to get a good grip on the cup and pull it out. There is suction there, so it’ll cause the worst cramp of your life whilst removing. With bloody hands, try not to drop the cup in the toilet filled with pee and blood, but dump the blood out of your cup as much as you can. Some will remain in the cup. That’s okay, because you’re going to run it under hot as hell water to remove the contents in your bathroom sink. Somehow, while still remaining on the toilet so your monthly juice doesn’t drip all over the floor, you need to also wash your hands. You’ve got to place the cup back into the bleeding black hole by folding it into a u-shape. Once inserted, clean the blood off your lady bits, then flush the homicide scene down. Pull up your clothes and upon standing, you’ll feel the most shocking POP! when the folded cup releases and seals itself to your love tunnel. If you don’t expect that, you’ll be left wondering if your vagina just came unglued and fell out of you. Time to sanitize the sink then wash your hands again! Expect to be in the bathroom for about 10 minutes during this process. But here’s the good news: You don’t need to worry about changing that blood sucker for 12 hours!